Monday, July 11, 2011

Pregnancy Ups & Downs

A few weeks ago, I shared the big news that we're going to have a baby(!).  Since then, it's been a whirlwind of pregnancy symptoms and the feelings that come along with the realization that our life is soon going to change in a major way.  I've wanted a baby for so long and for so bad that it hurt, so I've been trying to see the not-so-fun symptoms as a means to a wonderful end.  That first week when my blood sugars were so out of control, I told my husband that I'd gladly deal with anything as long as my blood sugars and health stayed in line, and so far, so good.

I've still had some wacky numbers and more highs than I'd like, but overall my level of control has been very good, with my average still in the 95-105 range.  I've given up feeling like I have a handle on this disease, though, because just when I think I have things down, it throws me for a loop again.  Instead, I've just been trying to keep a close eye on my numbers and changing my insulin rates accordingly...basically, what I've done all along, just on a much more frequent basis than usual!

Physically, I've felt pretty good aside from extreme exhaustion.  I have a very hard time keeping my eyes open most afternoons by at least 4:00, then I crash on the couch for a while when I get home.  Evenings are pretty much nonexistent for me, because I'm either halfway asleep on the couch or going to bed early.  I've had some nausea, but haven't actually been sick, so I guess that gives you mamas that had horrible morning sickness license to hate me-some of my friends do! =)

Emotionally, it's been up and down for me lately.  I am very truly thrilled that we're finally getting to experience the blessing of a baby for ourselves, but my sister's situation has made everything bittersweet.  I deleted my previous post about all of that, but in short, she got pregnant right before my appointment in May to see what my A1C was.  Due to our past history and her own problems, a lot of us believe that she got pregnant on purpose.  It was definitely a stab in the back for me, because I wanted a baby so badly but had been waiting to get my blood sugars as tightly controlled as possible before conception.  I'd been putting in a lot of the hard work, so May was the potential light at the end of the tunnel for me...then that happened.  Ours was supposed to be the first grandbaby in the family on my side, so I feel like she took something from me that was rightfully mine.

To add insult to injury, it's like she refuses to let me be happy.  People tell me all the time to not let her bother me and to just try and enjoy my pregnancy and prepare for our baby, but she's making that extremely hard to do.  Whenever anyone brings up my pregnancy or asks how I'm doing, she has to butt in and mention something about her being pregnant.  Example: I was talking to my high school friend's mom one day, and she was asking how I was feeling.  I was just telling her that I hadn't had any morning sickness yet when my sister walked up and proceeded to go on about how SHE'D been sick for the whole first FOUR MONTHS of HER pregnancy(!!!)  At that point, I just stopped talking and walked away, because what can you do?  She literally can't stand it when someone asks about my pregnancy without knowing that SHE'S PREGNANT TOO(!!!)

I honestly don't know how to deal with this situation, because the simple fact is that although I know I shouldn't let her bother me, she does.  She gets to me so bad that it's interfering with my ability to be happy about our blessings, which is really and truly sad.  I shouldn't have to feel like I can't bring up my pregnancy with anyone-I should be able to enjoy it just as much as (or more than) her, because our pregnancy is a blessing in every way.  Unlike her, I have a husband who loves and supports me and our baby, I waited until my diabetes was under control before conception, and we're completely independent financially-so we don't have to rely on my parents to buy everything for us.  That should all make me happy, but in reality, the latter fact makes me resent her even more...because while this should be our time of joy, my parents are totally consumed with buying her baby stuff & haven't been giving us the attention we deserve as a result.

Since I have a minor in Psychology, you would think I'd have figured a way around all of this by now...but I haven't.  I'm at a complete loss as to what to do to be completely happy despite her obvious desire to ensure otherwise.  It's created a rift between my parents and I (with whom I was extremely close before), and is a source of stress for literally everyone in our family (and some of the extended family).  All the while, she is incredibly self-absorbed and feels entitled to everything she receives, plus more.  She doesn't understand the impact her situation has had on everyone, nor does she care that her lack of a job (or plan/motivation to find one) has put a lot of unneeded financial strain on my parents, who recently bought a house in town to rent to her.  As the oldest sibling, I feel like it's my responsibility to fix the situation even though I know it's probably not possible for me to do so.  I worry about the impact it will have on my little brother, who will be taking some college classes as a junior in high school this year and will be graduating and going to college before long.  It seems like my parents are punishing him for my sister's mistakes by being stricter on him...which they also were on me.  There has been a long history of her getting away with anything she does, while my brother and I were always held to a different (higher) standard, both behaviorally and responsibility-wise.  It definitely isn't fair, but it's also hard for me to be in the position of trying to point this out to my parents without driving the wedge further between us.

I recently ordered a few books on the subject of family rifts, so hopefully they will give me some much-needed perspective on the situation.  If that doesn't work, I've been considering trying to find some counseling either through our church or with a licensed therapist, because I know it isn't fair to go on feeling like this when I should be getting excited about and preparing for our little one.


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