Frustrations

It's been about a month since I last posted about changing all of my pump settings, and although things have gotten better, it hasn't been as noticeable (or quick) of a change as I'd like it to be. To be honest, I've been very frustrated with my lack of progress. Everyone who knows me or reads my posts is well aware of the fact that I'm a perfectionist to the core...so when my blood sugar #s are not where I'd like them to be, it irritates me.

The worst part about it all is that I know I can do better. Throughout my entire pregnancy, even though I had plenty of lows and highs, I was still able to keep my average in the normal range and my A1c stayed under 6.0%. Recently, however, I've had such a hard time getting my average back down to 130-135...it used to be closer to 115. I know a lot of it probably has to do with changing hormones (hello, postpartum period) and stress (ditto), but it's been hard for me not being able to control things as well as I used to.

I'm torn between being afraid of crashing and annoyed by highs, and for the past couple of months, the fear has won out. Now that I'm sure of what's behind my dizzy "low" feeling and that is slowly getting better, I've been slightly more comfortable with running lower again. It seems like such a long, frustrating road, but I'm hoping that my progress (however slow it may be) will continue and things will get better.

I re-worked my basal/bolus rates once again just like I did about a month ago, and again increased my TDD of insulin in hopes that it'll bring my average down a little more. As frustrated as I am by feeling so "out of control", I feel like that's all I can do so that maybe--just maybe--it will help. Either way, at least I'll be doing something, which always makes me feel better about the situation.

Through all of this, I've tried to remind myself that a few months of so-so control compared to a year and a half or two years of pretty great control isn't so bad...that in the grander scheme of things, it shouldn't make much of a difference. Nevertheless, as Type A as I am, it still feels comparable to one of those irritating little rocks in your shoe that you can't get to. Last week, I bought one of those at-home A1c tests that you mail off and can then get results either through the mail or online. I received an email this morning that my results were in, so I logged on and was admittedly more than a little disappointed to see it was at 6.9%. I know that the ADA recommends that someone with diabetes keep their A1c under 7.0%, but being the perfectionist that I am and knowing what I'm capable of, I like to keep mine in the normal person's normal range (4.0-6.0%). Even when I was first diagnosed, mine was never higher than 6.5%!

Now I know that 6.9% is still in the 6's, and it's still below 7.0%, and my endocrinologist will probably not care as much as I do about it. Usually, I'm much harder on myself than he is, but that doesn't mean I'm comfortable "slacking off." I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible...I love my baby girl too much to risk anything else!