Frustrations (Again!)

I've been working from home for about a month now, and so far so good! I love not having the stress of getting me and Baby Girl to the office every day, and not having to worry about getting everything done at home--I'm already there! Of course, the laundry still isn't doing itself (darn!), but I feel more on top of things at home since I moved my work there. These days, I get up whenever the little boss does (which never seems to be very late!), check my emails, and do whatever needs to be done, whether it's a CAD drawing or the dishes. The funny thing is, I figured being at home would give me some time to catch up on all the shows I've missed while working, but my DVR is still just as full as when I was going to the office! There is always something that needs to be done...

I was hoping (and still am!) that the reduction in stress from this change will help me bring my blood sugars back into the range I like them. The first couple of weeks, my average dropped about 10 points or so, but it's leveled out again since then. I had my first appointment with my endocrinologist since October last week, which is crazy since I'm supposed to see him every four months! Due to an unexpected snowstorm when my appointment was originally scheduled, they had to push it back a month or so. I didn't realize it had been a whole six months since I'd seen him! Anyway, there isn't much to report as far as the actual appointment goes, though there never really is anything to say about that part! Then there's the lab work...

Last time I saw my endo, my A1c had gone up from 5.5% to 6.4%. Back then, I was pleasantly surprised because I was expecting it to be quite a bit higher since I'd been running a higher-than-normal average to eliminate lows as much as possible with all of my Chiari stuff going on. This time, after all of the work I've put into getting my numbers back down where I want them, I was hoping for an even lower number. Suffice to say, that wasn't the case. I got my results in the mail last Saturday, and was very upset to see my A1c was 6.6%. That's right, it went UP. I was literally in tears out of pure frustration. It seems like no matter what I do, I can't get everything back on track. I don't know if it's hormones, my crazy body, or just something I'm doing wrong, but I just can't seem to fix my blood sugars or lose the weight I've been trying to get off for the past year. You have no idea how incredibly maddening it is to try and try and try, and not see any results. I started walking again a few weeks ago, and have been trying to eat healthier as well. I think I've done fairly well, and yet I've GAINED a couple of pounds. Seriously? As hard as it's been for me to lose the last 10 lbs, I NEVER have trouble maintaining my weight. I don't think it could be muscle, either, because I'm not lifting weights or anything-just walking. I know they say not to weigh yourself all the time, but I've weighed myself pretty much every day the past several years because it helps keep me on track...most of the time.

Needless to say, I'm pretty discouraged right now. I'm trying to lower my blood sugars and lose weight, and my numbers and weight are going up instead. When I think of all the effort I've put into both things, I just want to scream...and give up. I don't have many of these "poor pitiful me" moments, but I think even the most optimistic of us go through those phases at some point. It's very hard to give and give and give, only to see nothing in return. It may be character-building, but it's not fun.

The night before last, I reworked my basal/bolus rates on my pump AGAIN in hopes that I can straighten things out. This time I re-read Gary Sheiner's "Think Like A Pancreas" to see if I could find anything in there that would help me. The one thing that jumped out is the timing of boluses...My after meal numbers are the worst offenders in my blood sugar control mission, and with all the craziness that comes along with being a mom, I sometimes don't bolus until the end of a meal-especially if my blood sugar is on the lower side of normal to begin with. Obviously, that doesn't work so well. I've never actually forgotten a bolus, but since the peak from insulin should coincide with the peak in blood sugar from your food intake, timing is huge. I'm going to make a conscious effort to stay on top of it and bolus right before or at the start of a meal. Hopefully between that and my new basal rates, my numbers will get better. I don't know what I'm going to have to do if they don't!