Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Changes...And My Fear of Them

After a couple months of the same blog design, I decided to finally change it; however, I inadvertently saved it without first noting the location of my old design, so it may be lost forever...

Nevertheless, the last couple of days have been better than preceding weeks, at least in regards to my BG control.  I think I was probably right in my thinking that some part of my high numbers was due to stress, and since I've relaxed after my appointment last Wednesday, my numbers have been better.  My postprandial following lunch yesterday was 125 after a solid four carbs (the amount my dietitian recommended, but that I've hesitated to take in due to highs), and was 98 last night after my three carbs at supper (+ a glass of Chianti)...I should have had one more carb with that meal, but the way things have been going--it was 180 after yesterday's breakfast and 220 following lunch on Sunday--I've been keeping my carb intake on the conservative side.

I don't care how many times I've had to check my BG over the past four and a half months (488 times, plus however many I've had this week, to be exact), every time is like waiting for major test results for me.  Those five seconds before the "beep" and the reading are torturous...I tend to hold my breath and hope, hope, hope that my numbers are within range, even as futile a venture as hoping could be in this situation.  If fervently hoping could control BG, my numbers would be perfectly within normal range 24/7!

On that note, how horrible is it that I can't just enjoy my good numbers when they happen?!  Just now, my postprandial was 110 after three carbs @ lunch, and I anxiously awaited a pig to fly by the window.  In all seriousness, though, when I do have good numbers consistently over a short amount of time, I get unduly suspicious of my good luck, my BG meter, what's to come, or all of the above.  I can't just bask in the goodness of normalcy because I'm so afraid that it won't last if I actually acknowledge it.  I guess that's part of learning how to live with this disease on a day to day (or hour to hour) basis.

As many of you know, I'm going for insulin training this Friday, and I'm genuinely excited...And, of course, just a little nervous.  I suppose I'm not like most people in that I asked my doctor to switch me to insulin, whereas many PWD (People/Person With Diabetes), especially those with Type 2, fear the needle to the point where they'd rather stay on oral meds even when insulin would be more effective in controlling their disease.  As I said, I'm not like most people.  I'm the type of person who likes to know everything about anything that is going to have a significant impact on my life; i.e., diabetes.  I can't just ignore it or blindly trust in the medical system to be looking out for my best interests.  I don't doubt the expertise or good intentions of my wonderful endocrinologist, but I also like to know what's going on when it comes to my body.  After all, I'm the one who has to live in it, and it's the only one I've got!  Therefore, I have countless books on the subject (most of which I've already read or at least thoroughly skimmed) and would like to consider myself well informed on many aspects of the disease. 

One thing I don't know much about yet, however, is insulin.  Hence, I ordered two books on the subject yesterday:

  • Using Insulin, Everything You Need for Success with Insulin

  • Think Like a Pancreas: A User's Guide to Managing Diabetes with Insulin

  • I hope that they come in soon so I can at least glean some knowledge on insulin use before my appointment on Friday.  I already downloaded  A Practical Guide to Insulin Pump Therapy for Pregnancy by James Bernasko, MD, on my Barnes & Noble nook yesterday, and I'm partway through it.  Maybe I'm jumping the gun a little by reading up on pump therapy during pregnancy when (a) I haven't even started insulin shots yet, yet alone the pump; and (b) it's still going to be a while before my husband and I are ready for a baby.  Oh well...Just part of my Type A personality, I suppose.  Knowledge makes me feel more comfortable with things (like diabetes) that I have little to no control over...And I say that meaning that I can't change the fact that I have diabetes, just the way that I manage it.  And I happen to deal with things by learning as much as I can about them waaay in advance, so that when the time comes, I know (sort of) what to expect.  And in this case, I'm planning on going on the pump ASAP because (a) our insurance year switches over on March 1st; and (b) I have no idea when we'll be ready to start a family, so (no surprise here) I want to be prepared...As my husband says, he may be ready today or five years from now!

    On that subject, I'm also knee-deep in books on pregnancy, much to my husband's suspicion.  I've already had to reiterate several times my need for knowledge, but he's convinced I'm cooking up a plan of some sort to force him into having a baby--despite the fact that I would never, ever do something of the sort.  I just truly feel more prepared when I at least know the basics of things that might happen or will happen in the future, no matter how distant.


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