Giving Up Control

I wrote last week about my OB appointment and my disappointment at the prospect of a birth experience that was nothing close to what I'd imagined thanks to the fact that I'm automatically high risk due to my diabetes.  Since then, with a lot of thinking and a new perspective (thanks, hubby!), I've come to realize that (a) I can't control everything, in life or labor; and (b) as important as the idea of the labor and delivery experience is to me, it really doesn't matter as much as having a healthy baby in the end.

Of course, all of this may be a non-issue if she doesn't head south pretty soon.  I had another ultrasound (which was a Biophysical Profile, or BPP) the day before yesterday, and while it did go super fast since she was moving, responding, and "breathing" like a pro, she was still breech.  Since I'm at 33 weeks right now, we have just a couple more weeks for her to turn (until week 36) before we'll have to think about an external cephalic version in which the doctor attempts to turn the baby manually.  If you're curious (like I was) about what this procedure looks like, here's a video to help you visualize it:

The problem is, it's not only supposed to be uncomfortable; it also only has a success rate of about 58%.  And, of course, there are several factors that make it less likely to work, of which I have at least a couple.  My OB said that because this is my first pregnancy (and, therefore, my ab muscles are still tight) and since my fluid level is on the lower side of normal, there is a greater likelihood that a version attempt wouldn't be successful.  For that reason (along with the already low success rate), I'm wondering if it's even worth it to try.  There are, of course, risks associated with the procedure as well, and although they're rare, they are pretty scary: placental abruption (which causes bleeding), uterine rupture (yikes), and premature labor due to rupture of the membranes.

At this point, I suppose it's just a waiting game.  If she turns on her own (Note to baby: Please do!), we won't have to worry about the alternatives.  If not, we'll have to go from there.  If anything, mentally dealing with these prospective outcomes has made me a lot more flexible in terms of my expectations of labor and delivery...There is definitely something to be said for giving up control and going with the flow!  Of course, I should realize all of this by now.  As anyone with diabetes knows, you can only control so much when it comes to your body; the rest is up in the air.  Even eating and doing the exact same thing on two different days will produce different blood sugar results, and sometimes you just can't predict how your body is going to respond to certain things.

Even so, there comes a point when you realize that there are some things you can control, and all you can do is your best when it comes to those things...and the rest?  Well, you just hope that it all leads to stable blood sugars.  If not, you correct it and go on.  That perfect balance is so hard to find, and impossible to have all the time.  It's probably one of the most frustrating things about this disease, and leaves you feeling like you're playing a huge guessing game (see also: S.W.A.G. Bolus).  Either way, you learn to live with it (and accept it)...eventually...most of the time.

So the moral of today's story is that, as with diabetes, there are just some things in pregnancy (and life) that you have no control over...and the best thing you can do to keep yourself sane is to accept it and go with the flow.  Otherwise, you'll end up like I do a lot of the time: pulling your metaphorical hair out over things that you have absolutely no influence over, and usually not realizing this until you're metaphorically bald.  Hopefully this time I can follow my own advice.  ;)

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference