How Diabetes Disrupts My Life

I've always known that diabetes has a tendency to disrupt and/or rule my life on occasion, but the last several days have really made me realize just how much it impacts my routine, especially my ability to do things out of the ordinary.

Exhibit A: My Insulin Pump & CGM.

First of all, let me just say that I love my pump.  It's given me a slightly-closer-to-normal life than I feel I'd have if I were doing shots, which is great.  And by "doing shots," of course I mean MDI, or Multiple Daily Injections, not anything involving alcohol...just to clarify =)  I love that I don't have to leave the table at a restaurant to give myself an injection in the bathroom, because I was never comfortable doing it in public.  And by "doing it in public," I mean injecting insulin into my person.  (I swear I didn't think that this post would come out sounding quite so dirty!)

Anyway, aside from the convenience factor, being on the pump has also given me a level of control over my blood sugar that I don't think I'd be able to achieve with MDI, the primary reason being that I use the "square/dual wave bolus" options A LOT--Like virtually every meal.  And that's something that would be nearly impossible to do with injections.  (For those of you unfamiliar with pumps or Medtronic's in particular, the square wave bolus allows you to administer your mealtime (bolus) insulin over a period of time rather than all at once, which comes in handy when you're eating foods with a lot of fat and/or protein.  The dual wave bolus is similar, but divides your total bolus up into some given upfront and the rest over a specified time period...useful for meals that involve the aforementioned fat/protein as well as more simple carbohydrates.)

For those two reasons alone, my pump is priceless to me.  But that's not to say that I don't resent it (along with this disease) from time to time.  The past few weeks, I haven't worn my CGM (Continuous Glucose Monitor) sensor as often as I probably should.  If it's due to the crazy marks it leaves on my inner thighs (the site of choice since I've been pregnant) or the constant beeping, I've simply had the urge to be free from it here recently, at least for a while.  So when my last sensor went kaput a few weeks ago, I just didn't put a new one in and enjoyed the temporary freedom from it for a while.  My diabetes management didn't suffer much at all-I only had a couple of highs that probably could have been caught with the CGM, and both were after eating some amazing homemade birthday cake my mom made me, so they weren't that surprising.

Sunday night, though, I decided I better get back on the CGM bandwagon and make sure I wasn't missing any consistent lows or highs.  I put a new sensor in, and was back in (beeping) business by Monday.  For whatever reason, though, the numbers I was getting weren't jiving with my meter at all.  That afternoon I hit 209 two hours postprandial (following another slice of the aforementioned bday cake), while my CGM was showing I was holding steady in the 120s-big difference!  I was frustrated, but I corrected it & moved on.  Then later that evening, I was on my Gazelle after supper and got the obnoxious HIGH PREDICTED alert.  For some reason, that alarm sends me up the wall-whether from what it means or the annoying all-caps reminder, it just makes me want to scream.  My screen was showing double up-arrows, so I set my pump to deliver a little more insulin and finished my 30 minutes exercising.  By two hours postprandial, I ended up at 54 and was dropping fast-LOW PREDICTED.  Thanks for that.

I know, I know...you shouldn't bolus from the CGM results.  But it's just so dang hard not to do when the thing is SCREAMING AT YOU IN ALL CAPS(!!!).  So, after I was setting comfortably at 101 post-low treatment, I set the low alert silence to last through the night so I wouldn't be waking up every five minutes due to the incorrect "low" numbers it was showing then.  Yesterday, more of the same, so I finally shut the thing off and restarted my sensor thinking that maybe some good calibrations would do the trick.  Today it's been better, but it's still not spot-on.

The thing about all of this CGM alarm craziness is that it wears on my already-thin patience and sanity.  I didn't realize how much I didn't miss the constant BEEPING until my peaceful couple of weeks came to an end with the new sensor.  Don't misunderstand me-the CGM is an AMAZING invention that has helped me fine-tune my diabetes management and pump therapy in a way that would be impossible without it.  BUT, as with everything else diabetes-related, it doesn't come without its drawbacks, and sometimes the cons can seem to outweigh the pros even though they definitely don't in reality.

Another of the ways that diabetes has taken over my life recently is due to the logistics of travel with a pump.  My hubby and I haven't been on a decent vacation since our honeymoon a year and a half ago, so we've been grasping for chances to get away, if only for a weekend.  The thing is, these attempts are complicated by the very real limitations of being on an insulin pump.  We can't accept last-minute invitations to the water park with our friends, and now that I'm pregnant, even a well-planned water-related vacation is out of the question due to my reluctance to switch to shots for the weekend...the reason being that the last time I was on shots was in January, and I don't want to completely throw off my diabetes management routine (and overall awesome blood sugar #s) for a weekend at the lake, no matter how great it would be to spend time with the hubby's family.  We don't get to see them very often, but I also don't want to risk damage to our little one, no matter how remote the risk of a few higher-than-normal #s.  In this case, the long-term definitely outweighs the short-term, so I had my husband tell his sister that although we want to join them, it just isn't possible right now.  I could be a good sport and go anyway, but I know that it would mean being landlocked in the extreme heat by myself, so I'd rather just stay at home.  I also explained to him that although I may make it look easy and effortless (ha!), dealing with this disease is an everyday challenge even under the best of circumstances, and can be downright maddening when I don't have the standard level of control I'm used to...I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to all things diabetes-related, especially now that there is another little life that is directly dependant on my decisions.

Although my hubby understands the dilemmas I face thanks to my diabetes, I know that deep-down, on some level, he has to resent this disease as much as I do.  After all, it isn't just my life that is limited by diabetes, his is too-and if it sucks for me, I know it has to suck for him.  The past several weeks, though, have been especially impacted due to the simple fact that I'm pregnant in addition to having diabetes, which adds a whole new level of limitations.  Even if the water itself didn't limit me from 90% of the activities at the lake, being pregnant prevents me from doing the other 10%.  Please understand that I'm not complaining about being pregnant; I'm just explaining (as I had to do with my husband the other night) that it does realistically limit some of the activities I can do.

We talked about going to Carlsbad, NM, with some of our friends, which I was all for...Even I can walk through the caverns and the zoo they have there!  But just today at lunch, some of my hubby's friends were talking about the vacation they just got back from in Colorado that involved white water rafting and such...his eyes lit up, but all I could think was "Not so fast, buddy...you know that's out of the question on SO many levels!"  Hopefully one of these days we'll agree on a mini-vacay that involves activities we can both participate in and enjoy, but until then I have a feeling I'm going to be resenting my diabetes for all the limitations it puts on my life-and my husband's.

Diabetes & Pregnancy

My last few blog posts have concentrated more on the emotional side of pregnancy and other issues I've been dealing with, so I thought I'd come back to my roots for this one.  No matter what challenges I face related to pregnancy, whether emotional or physical, one thing is constant, looming in the background of my life: my diabetes. 

If you've regularly read my blog since I started it in November of last year, you know that one of my main motivations in getting my diabetes under control since my diagnosis in August 2010 has always been our future children.  I worked my butt off (literally) for months in order to get my blood sugar numbers and A1C down in the normal range so we'd get the green light to start our family, which happened in May when my lab results came back and my A1C was 5.7%-well within the "under 6.0%" parameter set by my CDE.

After my appointment in May, we decided that I'd quit taking my birth control and see what happened...which, a few weeks later, turned out to be the beginning of a nine (ten?) month journey that will end in early February with the birth of our first child.  I didn't expect for it to happen so quickly, and in fact was a bit unnerved by the fact that it seemed too easy...after all, nothing in my life for the past year has been what you'd call easy.  I finally came to terms with the fact that if it was part of God's will for us to have this very baby, everything would work out-so I was able to calm down a bit and see the short journey to conception as the wonderful blessing it was.

Even though I'd prepared for months for the challenges of pregnancy with diabetes, the reality of it hit me the first week I knew I was pregnant when my blood sugars were crazy and hard to control.  I knew theoretically what would happen once the hormones of pregnancy flooded my body, but I guess it didn't quite sink in just how much of an impact they would have on my numbers until it happened.  I was freaking out for a few days (on the inside, since no one knew our big news yet), but after a few emails and chats with my CDE, we got things back in line again.  For a few weeks after that, my insulin needs greatly increased-I'm talking 45-50 units/day instead of my usual 25-30-but that leveled out again as well.  I'm now 13 weeks pregnant, and my average total daily insulin is in the 30-35 range most of the time.  My blood sugars have greatly improved since those early couple of weeks, with my average now steadily under 100.  According to my meter, my 30-day average is 95, and my 7-and 14-day averages are at 92.

Even though my average is pretty awesome (according to my OB, if all of his patients with diabetes had my numbers, his job would be super easy), I still have more highs than I'd like to.  Before my last appointment, I calculated my high numbers (above 140) to be 11% of the total number of tests.  In fact, my lows were much more significant, around 25%.  However, that knowledge doesn't exactly make dealing with the individual high numbers any easier.  In those first few weeks, I freaked out (again, on the inside, so as not to alarm those around me) whenever I saw a higher-than-normal number.  This freak-out would last slightly longer than it should have, with thoughts of the damage my body was doing to my baby.  In the past several weeks, though, I've become a lot more laid back about dealing with the inevitable highs.  I have diabetes, first of all, so high blood sugars are a huge part of the disease.  Second of all, I test an average of 10 times a day and wear a CGM (Continuous Glucose Monitor) to keep track of where I'm at throughout the day...which means that if my BG is high, I have a pretty good idea how long it's been that way.  This is important because it's easier not to freak out when you know that it's coming down on its own anyway, or if it was only two hours ago that you were in the normal range.  Now, I just correct it and move on, which is sometimes in and of itself a challenge, however-the constant balancing act of trying to give just enough insulin is what gives me the most grief when it comes to managing my diabetes.  Too little=too high, then a correction; too much=too low, and treating it.  If someone discovers the secret to the perfect insulin dosage, please let me know!

I suppose that all of the worrying about highs and lows and the impact they have on your baby is actually good training for parenting.  After all, ask any parent when they quit worrying about their child's health and safety, and I'm sure you'd hear the same answer over and over again: never.  For those of us with diabetes, I think the worrying just tends to start earlier out of the necessity of managing our disease in an effort to have as healthy a pregnancy as possible.  Fortunately, I've been lucky to have an easy pregnancy thus far, and my OB is so confident in my diabetes self-management that he's only been seeing me every month, as opposed to my sister, whom he's been seeing every two weeks since the beginning because her numbers were so out of control at that point.  I've learned a lot about myself and about my diabetes since I've been pregnant, most of which revolves around the fact that you can never predict what life is going to throw at you next.  I try not to get too confident in the hold I have on my diabetes, because I know that it could change tomorrow thanks to the craziness of the pregnant body.  I've learned to be more flexible and adapt my routine/regimen to my body's needs, which is an important skill during pregnancy anyway.

This coming Sunday marks the beginning of my second trimester, and I'm looking forward to it...mostly due to the promise of more energy!  I underestimated the seriousness of first trimester fatigue, and it kicked my butt.  Now that I'm finally regaining some of the energy I lost (though I'm still no where near my normal level), I've been able to get more things done after I get off work and have even begun exercising again, albeit slowly.  I ran 11 miles in the week before I knew I was pregnant, but now a 30 minute trek on the Gazelle is about all I can muster.  I talked to my OB about running again, and he said it was fine as long as I was comfortable with it-read: once my belly gets bigger, I'll probably have to switch back to the Gazelle.  However, I've been too scared to start running again, mainly due to the awful Texas heat that lasts through the night these days.  I used to run as soon as I got home from work, then moved my time to after supper as it started getting warmer, but now I'm not sure that I'd be able to handle the heat even at that time.  My plan, as soon as I get brave enough, is to start back with some walking interspersed with light jogging like I did when I started running...only this time, it will be to (hopefully) get my groove back!

Milestones, Baby Shopping, & The "Small" Stuff

This weekend marked several milestones for me.  First, as of July 23rd, we've been married for a year and a half, which also means that my first Diaversary is only a month away.  Then, on the 24th, I celebrated my 23rd birthday and the 12 week mark of my pregnancy.  According to the ParentsConnect Pregnancy Calendar, where you can view your little peanut in a 3D rotatable view,

Junior has doubled in size over the past two weeks and now weighs almost ½ ounce. He's also now around 2 ½ inches long, about the length of your pinky finger or a Vienna sausage, which, in a few months, will be indistinguishable from one another.

Interesting, right?  I think so, at least.  I start every day with an email that tells me what is going on that very day in my pregnancy, which I find fascinating.

I did some shopping for baby clothes this weekend with my mom at an outlet mall, which included The Children's Place, Gymboree, and Carter's stores.  I found a lot of adorable stuff, which I was eager to show off to my husband when we got home.  He was less impressed with the two outfits with dogs on them (because he usually despises anything pet-related anyway), but he loved the Carter's Microfleece Sleep & Play with a moose on it, as well as a onesie from Gymboree that says "My Daddy Drives a Big Truck" on the front.  We both also liked the Carter's Sherpa Pram with teddy bears on the footies and ears on the hood...who could resist a little baby bundled up in something so soft & cute?!

Yesterday I also got my scores from the Petunia Pickle Bottom Semi-Annual Online Outlet Sale in the mail, and I couldn't be happier.  From their Organic Layette collection, I got a Social Set and a Snuggle Set in gender-neutral-ish prints (which, of course, means picking the boy version, as my husband would kill me if I tried to dress our potential son in girly colors!).  I also got a set of their Swaddling Blankets (also made from organic cotton), and a Stroller Blanket that should match our red Britax B-Ready Stroller & Chaperone Car Seat, which we bought several months ago (pre-pregnancy) because we got them for about $350 cheaper than retail online.  We actually started buying baby gear last Christmas, because (a) we knew we'd need it anyway & (b) because it's all so expensive, we figured we might as well spread it out to make it easier on our wallet.  I'm all about bargain shopping (hence the outlet malls & sales), so my skills have been put to good use while buying baby stuff!

All of this shopping has helped me get more excited about everything as well.  As many of you know, I've struggled with not being able to truly enjoy my pregnancy due to all of the issues my family has been having lately.  I finally decided one day that although the problems were still going to be there, I could change how I let them affect me.  I realized that by not being happy, I was not only giving my sister exactly what she wants, but also making the devil very happy that I wasn't enjoying one of God's greatest blessings for us.  The next morning, I woke up feeling rested for the first time in a long while, and it felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  The issues with my sister continue every day, but now I choose to not let it all interfere with the feelings I have toward my pregnancy and our baby.  She's taken so much from me, but I refuse to allow her to take away my happiness.  After all, we'll only have this time with this child once, so we need to make the most out of it.

One thing that still bothers me, though, is when people (usually the same ones who encourage me not to let my sister's situation influence my feelings about our pregnancy) find out that my sister is having a girl, and make the comment that "Maybe [we'll] have a boy so that [my parents] will have one of each/so there will be less competition between us."  If it really doesn't matter that my sister is pregnant too, it follows that the gender of her child should not have any effect whatsoever on what we "should" or "shouldn't" have.  Furthermore, although I would be extremely happy with either a boy or a girl as long as they're healthy, I've always secretly wanted a girl.  I cried the day I found out what my sister was having because it felt like one more thing she had taken from me-especially because she's such a tomboy herself, and I've always been the girly girl.  I know she had no control over her baby's gender, but I still couldn't help but feel like it was another blow from the universe.  I tend to get bitter whenever people bring up the gender issue simply because everyone knows my sister is pregnant too, and the comparison is inevitable.  I end up just shutting down because I never want to hear the remarks that come with it, and I don't know how to respond when people push their opinions on me when I feel just the opposite.

I was listening to Carrie Underwood's sophomore album Carnival Ride the other day, and the lyrics to her song "So Small" really hit home:

It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river that's so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

[Chorus]
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

It was a good reminder of focusing on the important things in life, and realizing that sometimes the things that are bothering you really aren't that big in the grander scheme of things.  Every day is still a struggle, especially when I have to be around my sister, but I'm slowly making progress.  Everything that she does frustrates me to no end, but I've given up holding onto all of everyone else's problems because (a) I can't do anything to fix most of them & (b) it isn't fair for me to shoulder that burden when I have my own health and pregnancy to worry about.  We're supposed to have a "family meeting" to discuss it all, but it hasn't happened yet.  I don't know if it will do any good, because everything hinges on my dad withdrawing financial support, and I honestly don't see that happening anytime soon. 

The thing that bothers me most about it all is that a good portion of the things my parents have been paying for are far from being necessities.  She made the choice (against my parent's wishes/instructions) to apply for Medicaid as a secondary insurance to cover her hospital bills (my parents' policy is still her primary insurance), so I believe that if she is going to have the attitude that she can't pay those things on her own, she shouldn't have cable either.  Today, my mom and I saw the Dish Network people at her house installing the satellite.  She claims that she has it paid through the end of the month as a carry-over from her previous apartment, but the month is almost up, and she doesn't have a job!  It angers me to know that whenever it comes time to pay the bill, she'll be asking my parents for money again-money that they don't necessarily have, and obviously satellite tv is NOT a necessity!

I know that life isn't fair, but I fail to understand how there can be so many blatant injustices that happen even in our own families.  I hope that in raising our children, we can make an effort to treat them all equally, because I've experienced and witnessed what the alternative does to families.  I may have no control over the fact that I have diabetes, or that countless people have enabled my sister in ways I can't even begin to fathom, but I can do everything in my power make sure that my children have the best, healthiest life possible...And that's exactly what I plan to do.

Pregnancy Ups & Downs

A few weeks ago, I shared the big news that we're going to have a baby(!).  Since then, it's been a whirlwind of pregnancy symptoms and the feelings that come along with the realization that our life is soon going to change in a major way.  I've wanted a baby for so long and for so bad that it hurt, so I've been trying to see the not-so-fun symptoms as a means to a wonderful end.  That first week when my blood sugars were so out of control, I told my husband that I'd gladly deal with anything as long as my blood sugars and health stayed in line, and so far, so good.

I've still had some wacky numbers and more highs than I'd like, but overall my level of control has been very good, with my average still in the 95-105 range.  I've given up feeling like I have a handle on this disease, though, because just when I think I have things down, it throws me for a loop again.  Instead, I've just been trying to keep a close eye on my numbers and changing my insulin rates accordingly...basically, what I've done all along, just on a much more frequent basis than usual!

Physically, I've felt pretty good aside from extreme exhaustion.  I have a very hard time keeping my eyes open most afternoons by at least 4:00, then I crash on the couch for a while when I get home.  Evenings are pretty much nonexistent for me, because I'm either halfway asleep on the couch or going to bed early.  I've had some nausea, but haven't actually been sick, so I guess that gives you mamas that had horrible morning sickness license to hate me-some of my friends do! =)

Emotionally, it's been up and down for me lately.  I am very truly thrilled that we're finally getting to experience the blessing of a baby for ourselves, but my sister's situation has made everything bittersweet.  I deleted my previous post about all of that, but in short, she got pregnant right before my appointment in May to see what my A1C was.  Due to our past history and her own problems, a lot of us believe that she got pregnant on purpose.  It was definitely a stab in the back for me, because I wanted a baby so badly but had been waiting to get my blood sugars as tightly controlled as possible before conception.  I'd been putting in a lot of the hard work, so May was the potential light at the end of the tunnel for me...then that happened.  Ours was supposed to be the first grandbaby in the family on my side, so I feel like she took something from me that was rightfully mine.

To add insult to injury, it's like she refuses to let me be happy.  People tell me all the time to not let her bother me and to just try and enjoy my pregnancy and prepare for our baby, but she's making that extremely hard to do.  Whenever anyone brings up my pregnancy or asks how I'm doing, she has to butt in and mention something about her being pregnant.  Example: I was talking to my high school friend's mom one day, and she was asking how I was feeling.  I was just telling her that I hadn't had any morning sickness yet when my sister walked up and proceeded to go on about how SHE'D been sick for the whole first FOUR MONTHS of HER pregnancy(!!!)  At that point, I just stopped talking and walked away, because what can you do?  She literally can't stand it when someone asks about my pregnancy without knowing that SHE'S PREGNANT TOO(!!!)

I honestly don't know how to deal with this situation, because the simple fact is that although I know I shouldn't let her bother me, she does.  She gets to me so bad that it's interfering with my ability to be happy about our blessings, which is really and truly sad.  I shouldn't have to feel like I can't bring up my pregnancy with anyone-I should be able to enjoy it just as much as (or more than) her, because our pregnancy is a blessing in every way.  Unlike her, I have a husband who loves and supports me and our baby, I waited until my diabetes was under control before conception, and we're completely independent financially-so we don't have to rely on my parents to buy everything for us.  That should all make me happy, but in reality, the latter fact makes me resent her even more...because while this should be our time of joy, my parents are totally consumed with buying her baby stuff & haven't been giving us the attention we deserve as a result.

Since I have a minor in Psychology, you would think I'd have figured a way around all of this by now...but I haven't.  I'm at a complete loss as to what to do to be completely happy despite her obvious desire to ensure otherwise.  It's created a rift between my parents and I (with whom I was extremely close before), and is a source of stress for literally everyone in our family (and some of the extended family).  All the while, she is incredibly self-absorbed and feels entitled to everything she receives, plus more.  She doesn't understand the impact her situation has had on everyone, nor does she care that her lack of a job (or plan/motivation to find one) has put a lot of unneeded financial strain on my parents, who recently bought a house in town to rent to her.  As the oldest sibling, I feel like it's my responsibility to fix the situation even though I know it's probably not possible for me to do so.  I worry about the impact it will have on my little brother, who will be taking some college classes as a junior in high school this year and will be graduating and going to college before long.  It seems like my parents are punishing him for my sister's mistakes by being stricter on him...which they also were on me.  There has been a long history of her getting away with anything she does, while my brother and I were always held to a different (higher) standard, both behaviorally and responsibility-wise.  It definitely isn't fair, but it's also hard for me to be in the position of trying to point this out to my parents without driving the wedge further between us.

I recently ordered a few books on the subject of family rifts, so hopefully they will give me some much-needed perspective on the situation.  If that doesn't work, I've been considering trying to find some counseling either through our church or with a licensed therapist, because I know it isn't fair to go on feeling like this when I should be getting excited about and preparing for our little one.

A Baby is On the Way(!!!)

Well, I've been on pins and needles waiting for my doctor's appointment to come around so that I could share the exciting news with everyone...we're going to have a baby!  We've known for almost three weeks now, but didn't want to tell anyone (other than my parents, whom I work with and I knew would figure out something was up) until I'd seen the doctor.  I went on Wednesday to meet with the OB's nurse, and happened to luck out and got to have my dating ultrasound on the same day due to an appointment cancellation.  I'm officially six weeks and five days, and everything looks good so far...I even got to hear the heartbeat, which was surprising because the ultrasound tech said we probably wouldn't be able to see much.  I saw the little spot right away and knew it was our little one, then heard the quick "thump, thump, thump" and figured it must be my heartbeat =) I only got to listen for a few seconds, but it was wonderful knowing that our tiny little baby was okay in there!

I first suspected I might be pregnant what was probably just days after conception.  May 17-19th, I had some seriously wacky CGM #s-if I didn't have double arrows going up, they were pointing down-nothing in between.  I even emailed my CDE and asked her if this might mean I could be pregnant, but I also didn't know if it was just due to my natural hormones-this was the first month I'd been off the pill, and I didn't know how my own hormones affected my blood sugar levels.  I had several other random symptoms (increased heart rate as I laid on the couch or in bed in the evenings, itchy skin, and a stuffy nose, just to name a few), but still was hesitant to jump to the conclusion that I really, truly might be pregnant.  The next couple of weeks passed, and I took a pregnancy test three or four days before I expected my period, and it was negative.  I was a little bummed out, but took another one on the day my period was supposed to start, and lo and behold, there were two precious little lines on the stick!  I was so shocked I just sat there and cried (joyful tears) for a little bit, then went and showed my hubby.  I think we were both surprised it happened so quickly, because I hadn't even had the prescribed normal cycle after stopping the pill, and I figured that since I'd been on the pill for so long (about four consecutive years), that it would take us a while to conceive.  When I emailed my CDE, she called to chat about my BG goals during pregnancy.  We talked about how crazy it was that I was right the couple of weeks before when my #s were out of whack, and when I told her how quickly it had happened, she said, "Well you're just Fertile Myrtle then!"

I took another few pregnancy tests in the weeks that followed just to make sure, because it all seemed too easy...and nothing in my life over the past year has been easy.  I've come to the conclusion that God must have known how much we needed this reprieve from all of the challenges and heartbreak I've experienced over the past several months...this pregnancy for me is not only an amazing accomplishment in spite of my diabetes, but a much-needed beacon of light in our lives.  I know that the road ahead of me will be a long one, but I'm 110% committed and ready because I know it means a healthy baby in the end. 

My blood sugar levels the first weeks that I knew I was pregnant were tough to control, so my CDE suggested changing my basal rates and re-evaluating my basal/bolus ratio.  After some adjusting, my numbers have returned to near-normal, although they're still more difficult than usual to control.  I also know what I'm up against as far as public opinions towards diabetes and pregnancy, but I'm prepared to deal with that...the people I care about (and who care about me) know more about the realities of the disease than the general public, so the un-diabetes-educated majority doesn't bother me as much.  My ultrasound tech on Wednesday was an older lady who wasn't the friendliest, and she questioned the validity of having a sonogram so early on.  After double-checking with the nurse, she came back and said she "didn't realize [I] was diabetic, so it puts [me] in a higher risk category", and therefore the sonogram was necessary to make sure everything was developing as it should.  Thank you lady, because it's not like I've been preparing for this for months and reading everything I can about it or anything...but oh well.  Like I said, I got to see my baby and hear its little heartbeat, so it didn't bother me as much as usual.  There are just times I'd rather not be a "diabetic pregnant woman" in everyone's eyes, and instead just be a normal pregnant woman instead.  Yes, there are (many) extra considerations I have to make because I have diabetes, but I also want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy like everyone else without the ignorant comments!

60th Diabetes Blog Post (Yay!)--A1Cs and Running

Apparently this is my 60th blog post since I first started chronicling my journey with diabetes in November last year!  My first D-aversary is a couple of short months away, and I honestly can't believe it's already almost here.  I never in a million years thought diabetes would be such an intimate part of my life, but I've survived the past months and learned a lot--about diabetes and life--in the process.

I (finally) had my appointment with the endocrinologist on May 16th, then got my lab results back a couple of days later...and my A1C was 5.7%!!!(!!!!!)  So, we officially got the green light to start our family, something I've been waiting months for.  My previous A1C was 6.5%, so it would have probably been fine if we had started our family then, but probably just doesn't cut it for me when it comes to my future children's health...I'd never be able to forgive myself if I didn't bring it down and there ended up being something wrong with our baby.  I know that anyone can have a child with birth defects, but I strongly feel that if you have a chronic disease like diabetes, it's your responsibility to get it under control before you even think about having a child.  I think it's just one of the first of many decisions you have to make with your child's best interest in mind, and perhaps one of the most important.  All of the current scientific literature and knowledge (and my CDE) says that you should get it under 6.0% preconception, so the perfectionist in me finally had something to shoot for over the past several months.

Other than that, I don't think I've mentioned that I consigned my Gazelle to the spare bedroom until the weather becomes unbearably hot/cold again in favor of running outside.  I began with alternating walking and running, then gradually (very gradually) progressed to running.  I highly recommend the Runner's World Complete Book of Women's Running: The Best Advice to Get Started, Stay Motivated, Lose Weight, Run Injury-Free, Be Safe, and Train for Any Distance if you're interested in starting a running program.  It has great advice on a wide variety of running-related topics, ranging from beginner to marathon runner-and it's equally friendly to both.

Running has become a lot of different things for me.  First and foremost, I run to stay in the best shape possible--for me, my husband, and our future children--in spite of my diabetes.  I also run, though, because it keeps my life a little less stressful.  On those long runs when it's just me and the road ahead (and behind!), I have a lot of time to think and sort through the things I push to the back of my mind during the day.  I've worked through a lot of issues this way, and running has saved me on the days I want to break down and cry--it's become my go-to stress reliever.  Not only that, it also gives me a sense of accomplishment.  You see, I was never what you would call an athlete during school.  I ran cross country and played basketball and tennis, but so did everyone else because I grew up (and still live in) a very small town.  In other words, athletic ability was not a prerequisite for participating in sports.  I could place in the middle of the pack in cross country, but that was the limit of my athletic prowess.  My junior high and high school coaches would probably faint if they knew how much I run now!  I've worked up to 4 miles at a time on my long runs, and my fastest time to complete that distance is right around 40 minutes.  Not Olympic-worthy, for sure, but not to shabby for someone who spent her junior high days looking for excuses to get out of workouts!

Life Stages With Diabetes-DSMA Blog Carnival Post

Here is the topic for this month's DSMA Blog Carnival:

This month we are going to revisit the DSMA chat from March 16th – Life Stages with Diabetes.

Living with diabetes can be tough and we never get a break.  It’s quite easy to feel burnt out from everything we have to do to stay healthy.  When that happens, it can help to focus on the things, and the people, who make all our hard work worth it.  So this month, tell us:

How did relationships with other people help inspire you to take care of yourself?

First, some background.  When I was diagnosed in August 2010, one of the first worries and questions I had for my endocrinologist was about the possibility of having children in the near-ish future. He reassured me that I'd be "fine", and not to worry about it.  Of course, anyone who knows me is well aware that I can't just stand idly by waiting on things to happen, so I had to do something about it.  As soon as I was diagnosed, I ordered a bunch of books on diabetes; however, I had a harder time finding (accurate) information about diabetes as it relates to pregnancy.  Cheryl Akron's book "Balancing Pregnancy with Pre-Existing Diabetes: Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby" was a Godsend.  As one of two books I bought on the subject (the other being the ADA's out of print "101 Tips for a Healthy Pregnancy with Diabetes"), Cheryl's book was current (published in 2010) and thorough, covering everything from preconception to birth and beyond.  I felt much better about my ability to have a healthy pregnancy and baby after reading her book, and was then able to get on the ball and work toward becoming the healthiest I can be before we decide to start our family.  My CDE recommended I shoot for an A1C of 6.0% or less preconception, so I made the decision to start insulin and get on the pump (my endo would have been content to leave me on Janumet until our next appt, but I knew my control wasn't good enough with it and I had to try to stay ahead of the curve since I was coming out of my honeymoon period).  I've been using the Medtronic Minimed Paradigm Real-Time Revel 523 since January, and started the CGM last month.  Since then, my average has come down significantly, and I'm hoping (*fingers crossed*) that I'll hit my target when I go for my next A1C on May 16th.

Now, back to the subject at hand...My relationship with our future children has inspired me to take the best care of myself possible.  Don't get me wrong-my husband is wonderful and I don't know what I'd do without him, but my health doesn't have the same immediate, tangible impact on him that it will on our children.  If there is anything I can do to ensure they have a long, healthy life beginning at conception, I'm all in.  Since scientists now believe that our children's future health starts in the womb, I made the commitment months ago to do everything I can to have the healthiest pregnancy/baby/me possible.

It definitely hasn't been easy, though.  It's been an emotional roller coaster waiting around to start our family while I get my health in order because all of our friends already have one or two kids by now, and we're around them almost every weekend.  I love our friends dearly and adore their babies, but that's not to say it isn't difficult when I find myself twiddling my thumbs while everyone around me is holding/feeding/playing with their little ones.  A lot of times, it just downright sucks.  The holidays make it even harder because although my husband and I are included in the festivities, it's hard to be around everyone's little families while it's still just the two of us.  It's like we're always on the outside of a club we haven't earned membership to just yet.  Watching the babies "exchange" gifts and open their presents at our Christmas gathering was absolutely heartbreaking because all I could do was sit there with a smile plastered on my face when all I really wanted to do was go home and cry.  And that was after I was asked to take everyone's family pictures, only to have them forget about my husband and I...I ended up having to ask them to take our picture.

For that reason and others that I'll leave unmentioned (immediate family drama), it's been hard to get excited about starting our family recently.  It seems like every time I allow myself to get excited about it, I end up heartbroken again for one reason or another...It's no surprise, then, that it's easier to not feel at all rather than to feel the pain.  I'm super good at self-analyzing (I do have a minor in Psychology), but not so great at following my own advice.  I try to get past all of the mental hurdles and focus on the positives and our future, but it's hard to do when it seems like so many things aren't going your way.  I'm generally a very positive, optimistic person, but I'm human...I'm human and I have lots of feelings, both positive and negative. 

I didn't intend for this to be such a downer of a post, but sometimes that's what happens when you really open up.  In all of my blog posts, I strive to be honest about my feelings and thoughts, and they're not always peachy-keen...but then again, such is life, and especially life with diabetes.  It's full of ups and downs (and sometimes you end up sideways without knowing how you got there), but the thing that remains constant is that it's always changing.  In my 22 years of life thus far, the biggest thing I've learned is that all you can do is do the best with what you're given.  When life hands you diabetes, sometimes you just have to put your big girl panties on and deal with it, even on the days you don't want to...and those days are always the hardest.  I'll echo what I said in my first DSMA blog carnival post on exercise: just do it.  Even when you don't want to, no excuses.  If for nothing else, do it because the decisions we make every day (even/especially the "little" ones) shape our future.  On the days when my emotions are getting the best of me, I go for a run. By the time I get back, I always feel better about life.  That's the thing about having diabetes...you just have to take things as they come, deal with them the best you can, and hope you're doing enough to secure a healthy, happy, long future.  And you know what?  Even on the sucky "poor me" days, the future still looks pretty stinkin' good, because I can't wait until we have a cute, drooly little one of our own, and that keeps me going. =)

This post is my April entry in the DSMA Blog Carnival.  If you’d like to participate too, you can get all of the information at http://diabetessocmed.com/2011/april-dsma-blog-carnival/